I always wonder, Am I being controlled?
My mind plays with my feelings, I occasionally thought that mom and dad doesn't love me the way they love my other siblings. I always wonder, am I not their child? It's a tough life for me. I know being the first born is difficult, but that's not the point. Why does my parents compare me with my other siblings? Why do they blame me for everything that I didn't exactly do? I know I'm not smart as their second born child. Why do they push me so hard? I don't like the way they treat me. I don't care about them not giving me permission to go out or something. It's just that they're pushing me to hard in studies. I admit, I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to reading or studying. I tried so hard to get better results. But it turns out that my examination results were always falling. I don't know why..
Being the oldest child is stressing. My goal is to be a role model to my siblings. I don't care how hard I studied or how long it takes to be a successful person. All I wanted was to be loved as equal as their love for my siblings.. I'd promise mom that I wouldn't cut if I'm depressed.. Sorry, I couldn't hold it. It's too painful to hold the depressions. I'd rather cut to calm myself down.
I know I'm not a genius like my sister. I'm trying hard to be one. My parents always says that something else depresses me. NO!! My folks are the ones who depresses me, they makes my mood go down the well. Why do they never praises me? All my life I never heard them praise me for something I did... They will always praise my sister because she's the genius one. All of my dad's family are geniuses. Have great occupations. Have great history. Dad always said " Don't ashamed me in front of my family and don't ruin my families background!". For me, it's quite harsh for a parent to threat or warn his child about something that's not every people can accomplish.
I'm quite fed-up with my life. Needless to say, I'd rather die than live in a family that have parents who controls their child like a robot. They scold me, warn me, threat me. Recently, mom threat me that she will force me to marry as soon as I graduate from high school if I don't get to attend a university. She doesn't care if the guy she chooses is older than my age.. OLDER!! You know what I meant, right?
(IT'S LIKE HELL YOU'RE BEING FORCE TO DO SOMETHING YOU DON'T LIKE!!)
I don't know the background of the person mom chooses. It creeps the hell outta me for thinking about it.
I don't like people forcing me to do something I don't like.. It's a hard life for me. If you guys think I'm immature for writing about my own life, I guess you had a great childhood or maybe you're family isn't like mine. You guys probably don't get it because you're not me.
